Mad Max: Fury Road

I wasn't really anticipating seeing this movie, because of its remake status, but I saw some really amazing reviews on rotten tomatoes about how amazing it was. Rotten Tomatoes has it ranked at 98%. I have no ideal what the hell that means, but I assume that it is good. Now I don't want to talk about the film itself, god knows there are enough reviews out there for anyone to gather their own opinions of what it was. What I want to talk about is this online reviewing stuff. I don't know about the rest of you, but I take movies very seriously. Maybe too seriously. But I firmly believe that film making is an art form to be respected. And when a director creates a masterpiece on film, it is something truly truly impressive. I won't go into my list of the films that I think are masterpieces, but really there has to be some sort of criteria for what makes a film a "masterpiece".
A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go see this film, and I thought to myself, meh. I'm a huge fan of the original Mad Max series and I really was not in a mood to see some half ass attempt at reigniting the old spark. So I went online to take a look at what other people thought. Usually, you go into an online search with the expectations that corporate Hollywood is paying a certain amount of hacks to post positive reviews so they can pump up ticket sales. Whatever, its a business strategy, I get it. You can usually filter out the bullshit agenda posts by picking the lowest star reviews and reading those. You can then adjust your filter again to weed the angry mothers, religious zealots, and overall generic haters who just want to bitch about something. Then you get to the meaty, people who KNOW what good movies are reviews, and then you get a pretty clear picture of what a film is about. Well, I used all my old tricks of the trade to get a clear picture of what Mad Max was about. Literally 98% of the reviews were above and beyond positive for a summer action flick. Words like "amazing", "unbelievable", "masterpiece", and the ultimate words that any director wants to read...."Oscar worthy".
Oscar worthy??? A Mad Max film? Are you freaking kidding me? I read those words and all of sudden my friend's invitation was taken seriously. I called him up and left him a voice-mail. "Dude these reviews are unbelievable, I have to see what this thing is about." And so I went, expecting that I was about to see something truly mind boggling. A pure adrenaline summer blockbuster action flick that was Oscar worthy? I was truly excited. I thought I was in for something really special, a once in a lifetime experience, like the first time you see a film that is so different you can't even describe it to yourself. I wanted to capture a glimpse of some of that old movie magic again and I was on my way to do it!
And, fast forward to post movie viewing.... I won't go into it and spoil it for anyone. Needless to say, this film was pretty damn far from being an "Oscar worthy masterpiece". There were so many plot holes, awkward dialogue, and plain out bad writing that it isn't even worth cutting it up and looking at it under a microscope. Was it a cool summer action flick? Absolutely! I had a great time watching it! But to a movie buff like myself, to call something a masterpiece and mean it...you better damn well know what you are talking about. A great film is like a great painting, or a beautiful woman, or a mean sports car. A thing is either a masterpiece or it isn't. Mad Max is a 7 out of 10 at BEST. Truly not a masterpiece. What disturbs me, and clearly has me scratching my head, is what are they seeing that I am not seeing?
I think the answer, for me anyways, lies in the fact that there is no criteria for posting a review of a film online. Well there is a criteria, signing up for a login, but after that you are free to review away. In my opinion, these websites should have some sort of test in place for giving a film a "five star rating". Like for anything four stars and below, no test or explanation needed. But if you put "five stars", a moderator should contact you online and ask "okay so this is five stars...what else did you give five stars? Fast and Furious 7??? Okay you are banned. Seriously. BANNED."
So I'm half serious here, there should be a website for serious movie buff reviews designed by movie buffs FOR movie buffs. Let the masses have their brain candy, but I want my masterpieces to remain TRUE masterpieces.

Rewards Cards

I went into a gas station today looking to quench my thirst with a delicious ice cold soda beverage. They were out of my favorite, so I settled on a fountain soda. They were also out of the largest cups, so I then again settled for the next smaller size. I go up to pay for me drink and there was no one in line! Nice small win for a beautiful Monday afternoon. I was greeted by a very attractive, mid 30's, cashier who was smiling at me as I put my drink on the counter and reached for my wallet.
"Do you have your rewards card?", she asked still smiling.
"No."
"Do you want one? With a rewards card you get....blah blah blah blah blah.", she replied. Me tuning out the description of what exactly the rewards card will do for me.
"No, I have one in the car. I just forgot to bring it in."
"Are you sure you don't want to get it? With the rewards card you get.....blah blah blah blah blah."
She was a lovely girl and I was in a great mood so I started joking with her about the rewards card nonsense.
"Jesus christ....I just want to buy a soda." I said smiling.
"I know, I know.", she laughed. "I'm supposed to ask."
"I know, I get it. I just wasn't prepared to have to commit to contractual obligations to buy a soda. The only 'reward' I need is the delicious treat I have in my hand! The reward is putting this delicious beverage in my belly, not saving 10 cents! Can you imagine what this will be like in the future? You will have to fill out a ten page contract just to buy a candy bar!"
She laughed again. God, she was cute. I really wanted to ask her out right there but another gentleman had slid up behind me and had an impatient look on his face. I finished paying for the drink, full price and no rewards of course, and started walking away.
"I promise not to frustrate you next time!," she said smiling.
I smiled back and raised my drink to her in salute. God she was cute. Why am I such a chicken shit? I'm sitting here typing this and my intention was to write some witty retort on the state of rewards cards and corporate america and the insanity of needing a card to buy a beverage....but all I can that of is that smile and finding an excuse to go back so I can ask her out. Out of all the beautiful women I see on a daily basis, I find the cashier at my local gas station the most intoxicating. I'm crazy that way.

The Morning People

Lately I've been walking at a local park in the mornings. I love it. It is a really long, two mile, trail wrapped around a lake. It gets me away from all the shit in my head for a little bit. I hit the trail early sometimes, when the birds are just waking up and they start singing as the sun creeps up over the trees. I love the smell of the woods in the morning. That wet pine aroma that hovers on the trail. And what I love most about these walks on the nature trail is that it gets me away from people. I don't if any of you can relate, but the older I get the less I want to be around people. I find the majority of them tedious and incomprehensibly impolite. So my morning walks are my time to commune with nature and just be. I just want to be at peace and walk around a damn lake. Not too much to ask. 

Accept, apparently it is too much to ask for one woman on the trail. She is a "morning" person. I don't mean that she likes to get up early, I mean she likes to walk past you and say loudly "Morning!". Well, if you haven't guessed already, I'm not a "Morning!" type of guy. But usually, out of tolerance for the "Morning!" people, I will utter a morning under my breath. As if the morning meant "piss off". A couple of weeks ago, this morning woman slid by on my left side and said loudly "Morning!". And that day, because I really wanted to be left alone, I kept silent. As she strode on in front of me, again she said, only this time louder, "Morning!!". I looked at the back of her head and frowned, thinking "lady....just leave me the hell alone." All of a sudden, she stops in the middle of the trail and turns around to face me with her hands on her hip. "MORNING!!!", she said with her head cocked to one side. 

Well now it was a battle of willpower. There was a lot more at stake here than a good morning to a complete stranger, this was an attack on my constitutional right as a god fearing american to NOT have to say good morning to every person that walks by me on a trail. I firmly planted my feet in the ground and raised my nose up in the air as if to say "It'll be a cold day in hell before you get a good morning out of me." For a good three seconds we stood staring at each other in silence. Then she shook her head, as if I was the biggest jerk on the planet. Maybe I am. So I went back to walking and enjoying nature and finished off the two miles in silence. 

The moral of the story? There isn't one. Just, maybe, that I hate people and I'm going to start carrying an air horn when I go for my morning walks. When the morning people strike, I'm going to give them a "good morning" they will never forget!